I suddenly feel disheartened 😟 and believe that my work is meaningless.

On one hand, the work itself lacks meaning, as I fail to see the value it brings. It feels like whether I do well or not on this project doesn’t make much difference, and my impact within this project is minimal. I envy farmers in the countryside who can produce food and sustain humanity. Without me, without this project, it seems like the world could possibly be better, and the people I interact with might have an easier time. My colleagues tell me, “I know this project is shit, you know it, and our leaders know it too, but we still put in so much effort to make this shit look exquisite. It’s really not easy for everyone.”

On the other hand, I feel discouraged about myself. Suddenly, I realize that I have been confined to a specific field for too long, and my influence on the entire business, even the whole project, is too limited. I want to have more exposure to the business and management aspects, to understand the entire process from project initiation to implementation.

Lastly, I’m disheartened by the nature of work itself. I suddenly realize that work seems to be a shackle imposed on humanity, especially in our country with its distorted competition and pressure. It truly feels like we are always working, occasionally pausing to live. In such an environment, I am merely fuel for society. Throughout the year, I am far away from home, working all the time. Even on weekends, I cannot gather with family and friends; instead, I find myself alone at home, looking at code and learning. It seems like this kind of life has no end, monotonous and tasteless.

Today, I saw a lengthy post on my friend’s social media. The essence of it was that her husband has been constantly traveling abroad for work since they got married. They rarely have time to be together as a family, and she handles all the responsibilities at home, big and small, by herself. She feels exhausted and even mentioned that if given the chance, she wouldn’t choose to get married.

Thinking back to this year’s Lunar New Year, the New Year’s Eve was not a statutory holiday. We had a mere seven days off, with two days spent on traveling. It felt disheartening. I remember when I was young, the Lunar New Year used to be long and exciting. It started from the eighth day of the twelfth lunar month, and I eagerly anticipated it. We would start buying preserved food on the twenty-third day of the twelfth lunar month, making sausages, and it was only on the fifteenth day of the first lunar month that I would start school. In my memory, even adults didn’t go back to work until the eighth day of the first lunar month.

The development of industrialized economy doesn’t seem to make people happier.